Fair Is Not the Same as Right
Growing up, my parents talked a lot about being fair.
I have an older brother and an older sister.
They’re five and six years older than me.
I could tell my parents liked my brother more.
That never bothered me.
What mattered to them was something else.
They wanted to make sure I believed they were being fair.
If my brother and sister received something,
I would receive the same thing.
Fairness was the proof of love.
As I got older, I started to see the problem with that.
Fair feels clean.
It looks responsible.
It keeps the peace on the surface.
But fair often ignores reality.
We are not the same people.
We don’t need the same things at the same time, in the same way.
Treating individuals equally does not mean you are treating them correctly.
This became clearer to me when I became a parent.
When my son was born, he was the first grandson.
A boy.
He received a lot of attention.
Two years later, my daughter was born.
She was a little chubby.
Her eyes were smaller.
Her skin was darker.
I could see the difference immediately in how people reacted.
When someone commented that her skin was “too dark,”
I said, “Black pearl is also beautiful.”
And when people noticed that I defended her more,
or spoke about her differently,
I didn’t hide it.
I would say she was my favorite.
Not because I loved my son less.
But because I don’t believe in fairness the way people expect it.
I believe in giving people what they need.
Fairness says:
Everyone gets the same thing.
Care says:
Everyone gets what is right for them.
I often think about it like food.
Some people prefer rice.
Some prefer pasta.
Some prefer bread.
Preference doesn’t make one better than the other.
Eating rice doesn’t make you stronger than someone eating pasta.
Different doesn’t mean unequal.
It just means different.
This way of thinking shows up everywhere.
In families.
In coaching.
In leadership.
Golf made this obvious to me early on.
You don’t play every shot the same way.
You don’t hit the same club from every lie.
Trying to be “fair” to every situation on the course
is how you make big mistakes.
You read what’s in front of you.
Then you choose.
That’s how I see people too.
Fairness makes us feel good about ourselves.
But it doesn’t always help the person in front of us.
Right takes more effort.
More awareness.
More willingness to accept discomfort.
I didn’t grow up believing this.
I learned it by watching what fairness missed.
Off the course.