My wife and I have been having the same debate since our son was three years old. She sees his talent, the way he moves, the way he swings a golf club, and believes he has what it takes to become a professional golfer. I see the talent too. But after playing mini tours, coaching players, and now managing a golf course, I know talent only takes you so far.
What separates those who make it is not strength or a perfect swing. It is desire. It is that fire to love to win. And when I watch my son, I do not see it yet. He loves running up and down the basketball court with his friends, but he does not care about scoring. In school, he does just enough so the teacher does not call him out, but he does not chase the top. To me, that is not loving to win. That is being afraid to lose.
My wife and I used to argue about this. Recently, she told me something different. “Then coach him. Teach him to see that he is afraid to lose. Show him what it means to love to win.”
That is where this lesson begins.
Golf: Playing Safe vs Playing to Win
In golf, the difference is easy to spot.
The player who is afraid to lose plays not to make bogey. They steer shots, aim away from trouble, and leave putts short because they do not want the ball to run past the hole. On the scorecard, they survive, but they rarely thrive.
The player who loves to win plays for birdie. They swing with intent. They accept risk because they see opportunity. Even when they miss, the miss is purposeful, not timid. And over time, that mindset wins more than it loses.
This is not about being reckless. It is about whether your energy is spent protecting what you have or chasing what you want.
Relationships: Holding On vs Building Forward
This shows up outside the course too.
On the drive this morning, my wife and I were talking about some of our long-time friends. JD had struggles in relationships when he was younger. She believes it came from his childhood, when his own mother left him on his own at a very young age. Because of that, he grew up afraid to lose. Afraid to lose a lover. Afraid to lose control. Afraid to lose the little stability he could hold onto. But that is not the same as loving to win in relationships. Loving to win means building a future together, not just gripping tight so the other person will not leave.
Money: Scarcity vs Abundance
I have seen the same pattern with money. Mary feels on top of the world when her bank account is full. But when the balance starts to dwindle, it is as if her happiness drains with it. She was playing safe, holding on tight, but not thinking about how to use money to make more. That is afraid to lose, not loving to win.
I feel that when we live afraid to lose, we are coming from a mindset of scarcity. There is only so much food, and I need to get my piece of pie before it is gone. Loving to win comes from a mindset of abundance. I will work hard, and the universe, or God, will find a place in this world for me.
The Lesson for My Son
And this brings me back to my son.
When I watch him, I do not see that hunger yet. He plays basketball to run with his friends, not to score. He studies to get by, not to reach for the top. That is the mindset of afraid to lose. Do enough so you do not get called out. Stay safe, stay comfortable, but do not risk failure.
My wife challenged me. “Then coach him. Show him what it means to love to win.”
She is right. I cannot hand him desire, but I can hold up the mirror. For the past eight years, I have coached him in golf. He is not a champion golfer by any measure yet, but he has learned something more important. He has learned that when you truly love something, and when you have passion for it, that love will carry you higher. Passion plants the seed for progress.
I can help him see when he is protecting instead of pursuing. I can teach him that afraid to lose is rooted in scarcity, but loving to win comes from abundance. It comes from believing that if you give your best, there is always room for you in this world.
Because in the end, talent is not what decides who makes it. It is mindset. The ones who love to win will always outlast those who are simply afraid to lose.
And when it comes to work and life, that mindset is fueled by something even deeper: passion. That is a story for another day, but it is the fire that makes the hardest days feel light.